Be the first on your block to know the names of the Survivor Africa contestants. It’s hard to know in advance which one I’ll despise the most, so I’m practicing shouting non-specific phrases, like, “You suck, [blank]!” Let the games begin!

I’m usually resistant to the “human interest” sob stories one sees near the end of the nightly news, but thinking about this even makes me feel like a softie. Good luck with your retirement, Mister Rogers, and thanks for the childhood memories.

Be an office worker of the future with Dilbert’s Ultimate Cubicle. Okay, so I know Scott Adams is supposed to be some sort of genius voice for the white collar crowd, but merchandizing office furniture? Please. Obviously, Dilbert is a tool of The Man.

PowerPoint slides for a February, 1999 presentation entitled “The Ugly World of Networking” (as in people, not computers). I love stumbling across things like this — old, personal pages, usually on a .edu domain, with content that the creators never thought would be viewed two years later by some girl in Canada, much less anyone else. It’s the closest thing to found art there is on the web. (The found art site also has a must-see collection of 101 Dave Eggers jokes. With footnotes.)

For the R-rated crowd: “As your clown dominant, I, Ouchie the Clown, am your excruciating source for making you laugh while I hurt you.” I cannot believe I just typed that.

Are you a legitimate world government looking to hire a private army? “Sandline International is unique in its field. We have rivals but they cannot or do not wish to deploy the full range of capabilities that we offer our clients.” Plus, they give courses in jungle warfare! (Ah, there’s nothing like finding strange covert global military websites to blog. If anyone finds me a year from now selling flowers at the airport with a piece of my brain in a jar, you’ll know what happened.)

Conrad Black, reflecting on his past ownership of the I think we forced the other papers to show much more pizzazz, develop a sense of humour…“. Because when I’m purchasing a newspaper, the first question in my mind is, “But, does it have the pizzazz to suit my wacky, on-the-go lifestyle?” Thanks, Conrad!

A photo of Carrot Top and Corey Feldman, together at last! Ahhhhhh! Carrot Top is one of those people, not unlike Charo, who’s famous just for being famous… plus, they’re both kinda goofy looking. Anyway, picking on Mr. Top and the Feldster is almost too easy, so insert your own witty line here. (Awww, okay, just one: “Well, now we know where Ross Perot’s giant sucking sound hangs out.”)

Speaking of carrots, file this under “Things I would have realized had I given it ten seconds of thought”: baby carrots (yum!) are not, infact, tiny tender carrots, but just well peeled sections of the full-grown vegetable. (You have permission to laugh at me now.) Okay, so, that in mind, would I warn consumers about false carrot advertising? No. No, I wouldn’t.

Today is my first day of being someone’s manager, and truth be told I’m a little nervous.. I’ve been practicing the important authority-laden phrases in the mirror: “We’ll need you to work on that over the weekend.” “What’s going on with the [blank] situation?” “If you quit, I will cry.”

“The plot involves bin Laden sympathizers in Central Asia that may have infiltrated the vulnerable Russian system.” Is it a new government concern? It is an evil terrorist plan? No! It’s Newt Gingrich’s book reviews on Amazon!

Lipsticks of the Stars: Why am I not suprised that Christina Agulera wears something called “Poodle Pink Lip Gloss”? Maybe it’s the hair.