What do you get when you mix the creative talents of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and my future boyfriend Owen Wilson? The best FOX pilot you’ve never seen: Heat Vision and Jack. A brilliant, goofy mix of Knight Rider and Six Million Dollar Man, HV&J stars Jack Black as Jack Austen, a former astronaut who becomes super-intelligent in direct sunlight. Owen Wilson voices Heat Vision, Austen’s former-roomate-turned-motorcycle. Both must stay forever on the move, as they are being chased by.. evil Ron Silver (played by, um, Ron Silver). Look for this comedy gem everywhere on your favourite file sharing system!

Last week I received a curious envelope in the mail from Television Preview containing four tickets and a letter inviting me to “evaluate not-yet-released television material that is being considered for nationwide broadcast.” “Yes,” I thought, “finally I, Jessica, will have the chance to single-handedly revitalize the television industry! Muahahahah!” Anyway, after I stopped scaring the cats with my evil laughter, I did a little research on the company offering the tickets and came across some interesting information: the whole offer was a ruse to study the effect of commercials on purchasing habits. Bah!

Jim Ellwanger hasn’t updated his home page since 2001, which is too bad since it contains all sorts of strange goodies like a look at TV Guide cover statistics, a collection of airline timetables, and this remarkably detailed World News Now FAQ. Godspeed, Jim, wherever you are.

So, I sat down yesterday with the intention of watching the Emmys, figuring that Conan would be his usual amusing self, the winners would be different from the last gazillion years (no Frasier!), and, heck, at least I could count on Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to make an appearance, yes? Okay, so the opening was on the right track with some gratuitous Gary Shandling involvement (I would watch Gary Shandling read the phone book, given the opportunity), but once it devolved into long acceptance speeches from Oprah and standing ovations for Rudy “Everybody used to hate me but now I can do no wrong” Giuliani, I figured I should just cut my losses and go to bed.

So, I was Googling for ex-boyfriends this weekend (please: like you’ve never Googled someone for fun and revenge), and came across this list of active BBSs. None of the places from my youth are still around, but it reminded me that I still have a 5 1/4″ floppy somewhere for an STS dial-up chat server, which I believe had the capacity to handle up to fifteen 2400 baud modems. It seemed pretty cool at the time, okay? Maybe I should send it to this guy, who is composing what looks like a monster documentary on BBSs. NO CARRIER

Being an Internet kinda gal I’ve been researching weddings online, and I must say that the.. umm.. single-mindedness of some of the future brides is a little scary. (“I’ve been planning this since I was six and IT’S MY SPECIAL DAY DAMMIT!”) Anyway, I have found a few bastions of common sense and relative calm at the e-zine IndieBride and the most amusing weblog Going Bridal. UPDATE: Erin sent along this collection of interesting Japanese wedding dresses, which makes me feel much better about picking one of my own.

While I’m at it, blogged for personal future reference: cancun.com discussion groups and Cancun and Riviera Maya message boards. Yes, we’ve decided for the time being to skip straight to planning the honeymoon. If anyone has tips and advice on Cancun, speak now or forever hold your peace!

(A careful examination of cancun.com also turned up this most unexpected script to play with amino acid combinations, which I’m sure is entertaining if you’re in to that sort of science thing.)

Fun Monday Facts! According to this inflation calculator, the Six Million Dollar Man would cost twenty-eight million to make today.. which seems like a pretty good deal for a bionic man, actually.

For more goofy fun, this collection of retro toy ads is gangbusters.

Arrrrg! I was surfing around some Geocities-esque sites, and without any warning whatsoever some evil spyware toolbar was foisted upon my browser. So, aside from being extremely irritated and swearing at my monitor, I found a link on the damned thing to warn you all as well: info and removal instructions on the xupiter toolbar. (Of course, y’all already know about Ad Aware, yes?)

How to detect counterfeit money, Canadian and U.S. versions. For the record, if you ever find yourself in the situation of having unknowingly tried to use a fake twenty dollar bill to buy a pack of gum, no matter how loudly you proclaim, “Well, I certainly didn’t know that was counterfeit!” everyone behind in line will still stare as though you’re probably carrying lost Nazi gold in your purse.

Anyway, even though the image of the Queen on our bills no longer hides an evil devil head, some folks still feel there are better, non-royal candidates for being on Canadian bills. (Myself, I say we should skip the historical figures and go straight to printing bills with Kids in the Hall and Gretzsky.)

Probabilities in the Game of Monopoly. Here’s a couple of statistics for you: Probability that when confronted with a Monopoly board Jess will badger everyone around her to play – 98%. Probability that Jess will then lose said game: 100%. But even if I can never, ever, ever — sigh — win a game, at least I usually manage not to argue over what token to use. (The dog is where it’s at, people. Don’t let my chronic losing fool you!)

The fall television is almost upon us, and it’s the time when every sarcastic amateur and professional critic in North America is sharpening their chops to tear apart the worst of the crop. My itinery is listed below, but just in case your tastes differ (shock!), you can find the complete list of season/series premieres here.

The Osbournes – September 17 (Canada only)
Firefly – September 20
Buffy – September 24
Law & Order: SVU – September 27
Amazing Race 3 – October 2
Law & Order – October 2
24 – October 29
Simpsons – November 3 (AFTER Halloween? Nooooo!)
Futurama – November 10