Here’s a list of online polls, call-in shows, and talking points for media organizations looking for a reaction to tonight’s U.S. presidential debates. I don’t care what country you’re in — get clicking for Kerry, people!

Dear Fashion,
I know we’ve never really been on speaking terms, but can you please do something about this new layering phenomenon I’ve been seeing around? I don’t understand why people would ruin a perfectly nice shirt by covering it with off-colour misshapen lacy fabrics, and then top everything off with one or more ugly giant brooches. The fashion media has been quite insistant that Fall 2004 is all about ugly layers. Are you in bed with the lace industry or something? I don’t understand.

Love, Jess.

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,
I’m not sure why your agent didn’t tell you this, but those clothing ads you’re doing now just kind of reek of middle-aged desperation. Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re solely responsible for the ugly layer trend. Please go away, and tell Lenny Kravitz to stop doing that to his hair.

Thanks, Jess.

In which our narrator watches too much television

Up until the last week or two I was down to watching minimal amounts of television, but there is something about a new season of shows that makes me want to sit on the couch for a while. (For example, I definitely plan on checking out Desperate Housewives but that’s only because Marcia Cross is in it and I still love her Melrose Place character, Dr. Kimberly “I am a total freaking nutcase” Shaw.)

Did y’all watch Lost last night? Was it just me, or did that tragic plane crash in the beginning seem to basically kill off all people over 35, leaving the beach scattered with wan but attractive young survivors? I’m strongly rooting for one of them to get eaten next week.

Anyway, also last night was the season debut of America’s Next Top Model, which showed the models getting into a barfight within the first ten minutes. And what’s up with every contestant coming in with their own ready-made sob story this year? They hate their lives, they hate their parents, they have some terrible disease.. please — it’s Next Top Model, not Next Top Orphan.

And, finally, I also watched the first episode of CSI: New York. I’m pleased to report that, thanks to Gary Sinise, if I squinted my eyes just right I could pretend I wasn’t watching another painfully atrotious CSI show.

(Oh, and tomorrow night don’t waste your time watching television — go see Shaun of the Dead on opening night! I shill because I love!)

Russ Meyer, RIP. His films weren’t always good, but were usually terrific fun, and Faster Pussycat and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls are true classic cinema. (Plus, if you look at Meyer’s movies with an eye to modern standards, they seem pretty darned tame now.)

If you’re like me you’ve been cracking jokes about this lately, but it looks like all those hurricanes in Florida really were a sign from God.

Every so often, usually on sick days like today, I go back and read the archives of Pith and think to myself, “Man, you were pretty funny. What happened?”. So, to everyone who has been reading this site for any length of time: I’m sorry for getting exponentially less amusing over the years. On the upside, y’all are getting classic material compared to 2006, when I imagine I’ll devote my writing solely to complaining about cold drafts and repeating knock-knock jokes.

Whenever Mr. Pith and I go to the United States, we are always somewhat puzzled by the possibility that half of all the people we see have voted or will vote for George W. Bush. Seriously, they all look normal on the outside.. nary a tenticle or pointy German WWI hat to be seen.

Oh, I had a lovely long and nuanced article written about trying to communicate more effectively about politics and discovering that liberals and conservatives are all the same on the inside and blah blah sucky blah. But you know what — I don’t believe it. In fact, I believe pretty much the exact opposite:

People who vote for Bush are mean as snakes.

There. It wasn’t very civilized of me to say, and it isn’t going to start a dialog, but I just don’t care any more. How can anyone vote for a group of people that currently represent assault weapons, huge deficits, and corporate tax cuts? Maybe because they’re so blinded by meanness towards gay people, foreigners, anyone who isn’t Christian, women who got an abortion, and single moms who didn’t get an abortion. Maybe they’re too busy whooping at the war footage on Fox News (or CNN — it’s all the same) while the civilian Iraqi death toll closes on on 15,000 and Osama BinLaden roams free and god damn kids from sleepy American towns get their arms blown off to prove a political point. A vote for Bush is a vote for mean sumbitches, and while I welcome an argument I don’t think you can change my mind.

Sure, masks made of human skin might be fine on their own if you’re a crazed chainsaw killer, but this is the new millennium — why not accessorize?

(Is it art, or is it the latest trend in handbags? Either way, ewwwwwwww!)

Zombie Movie Update

Resident Evil 2 Sucky, sucky, sucky. And not enough zombies. For some reason they seem to have taken everything fun about the original (which wasn’t a classic, mind you, but a solid effort), and replaced it with cliche after cliche. Evil manimal who realizes his humanity at the end? Check. Ineffective black character for comic relief? Check. Groups splitting up to wander alone around dark buildings? Check and check.

And, okay, I like a fun evil corporation subplot as much as the next B-movie fan, but riddle me this: you’re an evil CFO for an evil company. You spend millions of dollars and hundreds of labour hours creating two genetically modified killing machines. You release them, and they kick ass. So what do you, the Evil CFO, then do? I bet your first answer isn’t make the two investments fight each other to the death. Seriously, did someone even bother to run this past the accountants? I think Umbrella Corporation is in serious need of an Evil Project Manager — and I am available for the right price.

(Save your money and skip this movie, but go see Shaun of the Dead, which is coming to North America. Living, dead, undead.. there is no excuse for skipping this one.)

Khaaaaaaaaaan!

Batten down the hatches and tidy up your plank, because it’s a mere eight days until Talk Like a Pirate Day. I think it’s really unfortunate that September 19th is a Sunday this year, because I think I’d enjoy boggling my office with some pirate vernacular. (“Avast, ye bilge rats! If ye doesn’t have that processing code ready by Wednesday, it’s a keelhauling. Arrrrrr.”)

Also, talk like a pirate in German!