Your Government At Work: Oklahoma Senator Frank Shurden would like to end the state ban on cockfighting by giving the roosters tiny little boxing mitts. Sen. Shurden said, “Who’s going to object to chickens fighting like humans do? Everybody wins!” Yes, everyone wins except for satirists, who have taken yet another major blow from reality.

(On the other hand, if there are any casualties you can turn them into a learning experience for children as a chicken mummy. No, really.)

I just got back home from a fun session of detal surgery, so if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go sit on the couch in a percocet haze and drool on myself.

In the meantime, don’t forget tomorrow morning the Oscar nominations are announced, which means the Pith Oscar Pool is back on! This year’s prize is $75 at Amazon — I’m hoping for the biggest number of entries yet — so starting tomorrow get your votes in.

It’s Friday afternoon — let’s party geography quiz style! The saddest part is not, surprisingly, that before doing these I was pretty sure French Guiana was in Africa, but that I have in fact caused a minor geography fad around the office which leaves me torn between encouraging knowledge and being the boss.

Customer Service Kid: “I’ve been practicing all day, and now I know all the countries in Asia!”
Jess: “That’s great! Learning is great, and can be fun! With all the stuff that’s going on in the world today, it’s good to have some knowledge of foreign places. Now, um, do you think you could start answering the phones again?”

It’s so much simpler when I just catch them mindlessly playing Bejeweled.

I hear there’s some little soiree going on to the south today, so it seems only appropriate that Canada’s own creepy jerk party has decided to step up its profile and start an anti-gay marriage campaign raising the usual spectres of polygamy and marrying turtles and whatnot. Of course, our Supreme Court ruled in favour of gay marriage in December, and it’s legal and acceptable in eight out of thirteen provinces and territories.

In fact, same sex marriage has been available in my part of the country for a little over a year and a half. Oddly enough I have yet to see any hetero marriages crumble over this state of affairs, nor religious officials being forced to conduct ceremonies against their beliefs, nor even a single person getting overwhelmed and confused by the possibilities and attempting to have sex with a reptile. Actually, all I’ve really observed is an increase in tourist dollars, and one sole incident of highway grafitti a year or so ago that said in giant letters, “Welcome gay couples.” Ooooh!

The Conservatives are getting all riled up over pro-same-sex-marriage legislation that is going to be introduced federally later this month. Okay, so remember last November 2nd when we Canucks watched the television and felt all smug that it wasn’t our country? Now is the time to back that up: write icky Stephen Harper and tell him to stop his divisive campaign (and don’t forget to send the same to your MP, especially if he’s a Conservative like mine), and share your opinions with the Canadian newspapers of your choice.

Remember, it’s usually the folks with ugly prejudice that are motivated to write in times like this, so it’s important to speak up for freedom and equality.

***

Quentin Tarantino hangs out with complete stranger and buys peppermills. Sweet.

My two celebrity encouters:
* I was on a plane with Kevin Bacon. I noticed him because I thought he looked like a dirty homeless man who really needed a good meal. (Sorry, Kevin.)
* I once served the late Pierre Burton steamed crab, and he got shell everywhere. Seriously, it was all over the floor, the table, his shirt.. the man was a genius, yes, but not nimble with the crab cracker

So he was smart enough to outwit and outlast an island of competitors, but apparently when it comes to income taxes Richard Hatch could use a good dose of common sense. Heck, it was only a heavily-promoted million dollar payout that was possibly the most watched moment in the history of reality television.. who could guess the IRS would be on to him?

My first thought after the Globes last night is that it was really the year for combacks.

Think about it! Until recently Virginia Madsen was most famous for playing a woman haunted by an insane bee guy in Clive Barker‘s Candyman. Her fellow Sideways actor Thomas Haden-Church was best known from the television show Wings. A year ago Marcia Cross’ fame centered solely upon blowing up Melrose Place, while her co-star Teri Hatcher was on television hawking batteries. Hilary Swank had well and truely worn out any buzz from her 2000 Oscar win (yet another victim of the Oscar Curse), but now seems poised for second rush of awards. Hell, William Shatner is the ultimate example — when was the last time he was recognized for anything except being William Shatner? Anyway, it’s an interesting trend, and I think it’s kind of nice to see actual people over forty who are not Hollywood royalty get awards.

Oh, and one more thing: Ewan McGregor totally needs to call me.



***



Make your own Team Zissou Adidas Shoes! I know everyone seems to have decided that The Life Aquatic isn’t very good, but in fact it was the best film of 2004 and anyone who disagrees with me is a cynical poopyhead. So there.

Everything is a mess — excuse the construction.

Redesigning a personal website has got to be one of the most pleasantly narcissistic projects one can do. It’s basically a license to sit around and ponder things like, “That green is nice, but does it really reflect me and my many fascinating personal anecdotes?”.

The Golden Globes are tonight, and I look forward to the usual mix of sloppy drunk celebrities and desperate B-list television actors. Speaking of which, I noticed that we’re finally free of cougar bait Kim Bauer and her powers of cleavage this season on 24. Oh Kim, how we’ll miss your ability to wander off with nefarious bad guys and fall down hills and divulge security secrets and stuff.

Within seventy-two hours of turning 30 I was on antibiotics, prescription painkillers, and I had the flu. (And I’m still taking an exciting and colourful array of daily medication.) I knew that one’s health becomes more fragile as one get older, but I didn’t realize it happened all at once. Crap.

On a related note, when I was a small child my parents – bless their clever hides – explained to me that I shouldn’t swear because those were words that denoted extreme emotions. Swearing a lot would reduce their meaning, and then I wouldn’t be able to use them when powerfully expressing something. They were right, of course, and so it is with full understanding that I say: abcessed teeth hurt like a god damn motherfucking son of a bitch.