Dear Headline News:

Perhaps I am just unaware of some paradigm shift in television news networks, but it occurs to me that after your recent format change you provide the viewer with neither the headlines nor news in general. This is a little strange to me. In addition, there seems to be some glitch with your broadcasting wherein we are confronted with at least an hour each weeknight of The Michael Jackson Show, starring lemon-sucker Nancy Grace. Have you actually watched this show? Did you feel the need to take a shower afterwards?

Anyway, Headline News, I feel like we’ve grown apart over the past months. I think this is it. I can’t believe we’ve come to the point where I long for giddy Rudi Bakhtiar and her exciting array of poor hairstyles, but here we are. I’m sorry.

Love, Jess.

PS: That last link has what may be one of the oddest sentences ever: “But the loss of the Shah in 1979 proved the gain of U.S. Hair Fans, as Rudi Bakhtiar returned with her family to her homeland.” Yeah, deposed dictator, revolution, blah blah blah — won’t someone think of the hair?
PPS: I just discovered this “news about telelvision news” weblog, which greatly appeals to little media junkies like moi.

Last week I went on a field trip to, yeah, a Bulk Mail Sortation Center, and believe you me watching people sort the mail is every bit as exciting as one would expect. The whole trip reminded me a lot of the Simpsons episode where Bart’s class visits a box factory:

Box Guy: Many interesting and important things have been put into boxes over the years: textiles, other boxes, even children’s candy.
Milhouse: Do any of these boxes have candy in them?
Box Guy: No, we only make boxes to ship nails. Any other questions?

One of the indisputable highlights of the trip was driving by the Tulips, Antiques, and Alpacas store. I’m trying to imagine the business model.. “Doris, the tulips are dead and the antiques are selling poorly. How do you feel about silly-looking South American ungulates?”

***

The IHOP Breakfast Paradox:
“Major premise: If a restaurant offers something other restaurants do not offer, then no one “does it” quite like that restaurant.
Minor premise: IHOP gives you a vat of bad coffee with your breakfast (and other restaurants don’t).
Conclusion: Therefore, no one does breakfast like IHOP does breakfast.”

Mmm.. logical deduction, and syrup!