So I woke up late again this morning. To be honest, after the last couple of weeks it’s no longer “late” per se, because that implies that I could and do wake up any earlier. Instead it’s more the last possible minute I can stay in bed.
Anyway, I was scrambling around in the dark for clothes, which my workplace recommends, when I caught sight of some nice business-y pants in the back of one of my drawers. I hadn’t seen them in years, and I wasn’t entirely sure of their origin, but time was limited and they were clean.
Three things have become evident about these pants as the day progresses:
a) They are men’s pants. The zipper is on the wrong side, and there are other indications as well. I feel quite confident that no man in my life has ever worn these pants, so at some point I must have been shopping in the guys’ section of a store and not noticed. Smooth.
b) They have a hole in the front. I assume, upon reflection, that this is why they were stuck in the back of a very deep drawer. The hole is present, albeit a little subtle, and after much practice in the full length mirror in the office bathroom I feel confident that I can cover it up by slouching to the right a bit and holding a notebook or my hand at a casual yet concealing position.
c) They are made of weird plastic-y fake linen material, and make a noise much like several hundred brooms sweeping together every time I take a step. I am a little twitchy at the best of times, but now in an attempt to cover up the weird fake plastic linen noise I have started lightly clapping my hands, or whistling, or making clicky noises with my tongue, or just doing SOMETHING while I walk.
So let’s summarize. Today, every time I walk somewhere in the office, I am leaning slightly to the right, clutching a notebook at a odd rigid angle, and making constant little fidgety noises with whatever extremities I have available.
Some days I should not be allowed to leave the house, for the safety of myself and others.
Ari Gold Quotes. If someone told Ari that he was wearing holey noise pants, he’d probably have them fired. Or at least make them cry.