So I’m starting off my week of Doing Stuff with a bang tomorrow morning at 8:30am at the American Consulate here in town. At that time, paperwork willing, I’ll become a citizen of both Canada and the U.S.

After months of gathering information, talking to government officials, and going through files, I feel a little like a Kafka novel. I have tens of pages of forms I filled out, forms my family members filled out, documents couriered to me by both governments, notarized everythings, prepaid envelopes, old and new photos, and various pieces of paper I printed out just in case. I even had to fill out a form stating that at no time have I ever done mean things that might make me undesirable, if not just plain ineligible, for citizenship. They didn’t actually go into detail about what these acts would be, but I assume it’s stuff like shouting “Death to America” a lot, or saying you don’t really like Ryan Seacrest. (I like to imagine that along with my passport I will be given handgun ammo and one of those new sandwiches that uses fried chicken instead of bread.)

Anyway, getting this finally taken care of opens up a new world of possibility. There is a whole new landmass where I could live! I have a two month contract in Vancouver that I start in a week, and then after that.. I rent, I paid off all my big debts (ha ha ha student loan people YOU WILL MISS ME, admit it), I have a pretty reasonably sized nest egg. I could go anywhere, do anything. Oh sure, the obvious — and motivating — idea is to move to Seattle so I can stop spending all my discretionary income on frequent visits (ha ha ha Edmonds Travelodge people YOU WILL MISS ME, admit it), but I’m kind of pondering the options.

I could move to New York City and not be able to afford anything and end up a hobo. I could move to San Diego and get a tan. I could change my name to.. Yasmine deBourganville and sashay around some southern port city. The possibilities are endless. Silly, but endless.

And to some degree I feel bad for giving up on Vancouver, which is a very lovely city but is a little too full of tiny, sad out of work model/actresses, and also is NOT home to at least a couple of my closest friends. Can I move to a city in part because I met a great group of people on the internet (oh god) and I want the option of having a beer after work with them on occasion without a border guard being involved? Is this weird? It’s kind of weird, isn’t it? Hmm.

On the other hand, what’s life without doing new and different things? My big concern is that I’m not sure “Sure, what the hell” is a great guiding motto for life, although admittedly it’s served me well so far. I guess at the end of the day I can always consider: What would Yasmine do?

When I initially lost my job, about a month ago, I figured it was a good opportunity for change. So I didn’t have a job — I had time for so many other things now! I could cook proper dinners for myself, and get some exercise. Maybe start painting, or at least blogging more. I would take time to admire the beauty of the world. Yes, I was going to use this time wisely, dammit.

Skip ahead a few weeks. I couch-surfed in Seattle a bit, went on a long weekend trip to Blizzcon in Anaheim, and otherwise… huh. I went for a walk once. I think I took down the garbage. I bought pancake mix and syrup. I know I played a lot of WoW and Diablo II and Peggle. I chatted on IM a lot. Drank more cider than usual, and stayed up really late. But really.. I haven’t DONE anything per se with all this extra time.

I feel kind of disappointed in myself, truth be told, and I am in a funk about it. Apparently when my big boundaries (such as holding down a job) are removed, I am still a sloth with an internet fixation. Freed from the shackles of daily toil I still get up at 9am and sit down in front of the computer for a full day of accomplishing nothing. It is disheartening, really.

I have one more week of unemployedness, and I vow to do something really grown-up and productive with it. Really.

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While we’re at embarrassing confessions, two things:

1) I have come to terms that I am a complete goofball, and will mug at a camera without provocation. Need someone to stand on one leg and make a dumb face? I’m your girl! But woe betide anyone who tries to take a serious photo.

2) I am completely useless when it comes to consoling friends and loved ones, whether they are sad or sick. I have one response to almost every situation, and it is for them to “drink lots of water”. Have a cold? Family member passed away suddenly? Lost your job? If you fear dehydration in these trying times come talk to me, because I will look at you, flail around a bit, and then desperately tell you to have more water in a very soothing tone of voice. It is apparently the extent of my maternalesque advice.

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No links this week, because that would have required me to actually read interesting things on the internet, and not just game. Somewhat in my defense, I was in Anaheim (and then recovering from Anaheim) last weekend. I will write more on that later I’m sure, but suffice to say it was a brilliant time and I snuck past security into an Ozzy Osbourne concert and am therefore badass.

Okay, so the key to being unemployed is structure. I am one of those people who need a lot of structure, self-imposed or otherwise, or else I space out and spin around in my chair a lot. In fact, people who have known me for a very long time will remember the Paper Clock Unpleasantness, and know this to be true.

Essentially, many years ago my parents bought me a paper clock kit. It required much cutting and pasting and folding of tiny bits. This half-finished paper clock was moved around with me from abode to abode for years, and I still haven’t finished it. I think I would actually feel kind of bad if I finished it now, like something was missing from my life. Anyway, the moral here is that left to my own devices I will quite possibly end up with glue in my hair and no idea what time it is.

So, today I hit all my goals of: doing pilates, lying on the floor clutching my abdominal muscles and cursing, updating my resume, and playing WoW. What? It’s important to have reasonable goals.

Okay, links now!

• Exercises for keeping your blogging fingers nimble and healthy.
• The harsh truth of being a reality show contestant. They are sleep deprived! And given alcohol! I for one am shocked, shocked, at these revelations that reality shows are about provoking people until they get all crazy on television for our viewing pleasure. Shocked. (PS: Still want to be on Family Feud, call me!)
• Novelists are often less interesting once they sober up. I admit, I am somewhat suspicious of fiction writers who are big on clean livin’, and I say this knowing that I have just indicted at least one friend. Maybe I’ve seen Naked Lunch too many times, but something seems right about the cliche of the hard-drinking author, up late again, suffering for his art. Mind you, I primarily enjoy writing non-fiction, which I think just makes me a drunk.

So I probably owe you guys some links at this point.

I cannot stop reading Texts From Last Night. Half of the entries make me sigh wistfully and think of when I was 21, and the other half just leave me very happy with my current life. Either way, this is the kind of anonymous voyeurism that the Internet does so very well.

For my part, I got a text last night from my little brother that said “I think I’ve upset the Pope,” with no further explanation. I’m kind of hoping that there was some awkward meeting where he stepped on The Hat, and in that spirit here are instructions to make your own mitre with only a newspaper.

The Texts site has ads for American Apparel, which I thought at first glance were actually banners for low rent porn. Even more offputting is the fact that one of the ads is for a shirt that changes color with your body temperature, just like Hypercolor shirts in the late 80s. Oh yeah, because that was a great idea the first time. Again I ask: what is the point in living through 80s fashion if we just have to do it all over again?

If I start seeing Vancouver hipsters wearing huge swaths of jelly bracelets on their arms, there is going to be trouble. I’m just saying.

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Swearing helps relieve pain.

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The graphic up there is Jessica, Mad Men-ized. I admit to being rather pleased with my 1950s self, plus the website plays pleasant elevator cocktail music.

Also, I’m currently fighting off the urge to dye my hair black and get Betty Page bangs. This is possibly the worst fashion idea I’ve had since I bought a hypercolor shirt. Or IS IT?

Sooooo, my company eliminated my position. I have been downsized, laid off, sent packing. I suppose documentation becomes less of an issue in trying economic times and when your industry is doing things like showing up at the dock with a whale impaled on the front of the ship.

I tried to keep a diary of my first 24 hours of unemployment, although the whole thing can pretty much be summed up with two entries:

3:05pm Cracking a beer, sitting in the sun in the living room. This unemployment thing isn’t that bad, really.

5:45pm Two beers later. Watching The House Bunny, featuring Anna Farris as a Playboy bunny who is just misunderstood. Oh god, what am I doing with my life. I need a job.

I have also been eating a lot of casserole. Oh, and thinking about stuff I bought in the last two weeks. For example, upon reflection had I known I was going to be laid off I probably wouldn’t have spent $15 on an eyebrow brush. God damn it, Sephora, you know I can’t control myself. I do have very tidy eyebrows now though. And really, don’t you think it’s important not to descend into incivility in trying times like these? I’m pretty sure eyebrow brushes are what separates us from the apes.

Anyway, a list of things I can do now I’m unemployed:

• Find a nice tech writing or online community manager job, of course.
• Go back to school! I just paid off all my student loans, let’s go back into debt!
• Become a professional game show contestant. I watched a lot of Family Feud yesterday, and the people on that show are idiots.
• Write more.
• Go for a walk every day.
• NOT drink more beer and play more WoW.
• Explore the exciting world of weird Craigslist contract writing gigs.
• Move to South America and start a new life on a beach. I suspect South America would be too hot for me, and have too many bugs, but it seems like the kind of thing one should have on a list like this.

Anyway, I am feeling upbeat. Change is good, right? Right.

Twttrpoop – “Are more people talking about their bowel movements than your company or personal brand?”