Okay so let’s just put this on the table now: I watched Twilight: New Moon for the second time tonight. (The first time was a copy I liberated from the Internet when it came out.)

Somewhat in my defense I have a long history of watching or reading things simply to stay up on my popular culture. I dislike the entire Harry Potter franchise, but I have still read all the books and seen most of the movies. I even watched an episode of Friends once! It was kind of horrifying, but I felt the siren song of Jennifer Aniston’s hair.

There is certainly an element of “so bad it’s good” in the Twilight movies. They are poorly written, for the most part poorly acted, and oddly cast. None of the characters seem to know when someone is talking to them because they are all so damned reluctant to make eye contact at any point. (“Look at the floor! Look above his head. Look right! Bite your lip! Now look at the floor again!”) The first movie ended with a vampire prom (oh prom, is there anything you can’t fix?), and the second one had a marriage proposal cliff hanger. Yes, in a movie filled with vampires, werewolves, and soaring Italian vistas, the hook for the next flick was sodding Edward Cullen emotionlessly proposing. What will Bella do. WHAT WILL SHE DO. Sigh.

But the thing that I find most strangely compelling about the Twilight series is that there’s no joy in them at all. In a movie about love and the supernatural, everyone is so boring all the time. The cinematography is muted, the music is plodding, the characters all look drab. Social gatherings always end in clinical tragedy, good times interrupted by someone getting eaten or whatever. There are moments of solemn isolation that wouldn’t be out of place in a David Lynch movie (think the first half of Lost Highway) and seem so damn weird in a teen drama.

And ugh, those vampire protagonists. I think the Cullens are supposed to be timelessly beautiful, and in the book at least Bella is in awe of their grace and style, but every time I see one on the screen I just want to give them some undereye concealer and an application for What Not To Wear. Seriously, they are killing me with the v-neck sweaters and cardigans and sensible slacks. You’re legendary immortal bloodsucking creatures — have some panache! And I’m particularly confused why no one ever acknowledges that the little wiener Cullen brother is clearly wearing Hannah Montana’s wig.

None of the vampires appear to have any interests or thoughts.. about anything. I get the feeling they spend all their time sitting very still trying not to kill any humans, or at the most browsing the Eddie Bauer site for a sensible spring wardrobe. And I realize I am old and thinking far too practically about this, but what do Edward and Bella talk about on the drive to school every morning? (I noted also that Bella is now unable to operate her own motor vehicle when a boy is around. Perhaps she is too overcome with love to stay in her lane.) History? Literature? American Idol?

I actually like Kristen Stewart’s Bella. For lack of a better word, I find her to be.. quirky. She mumbles, twitches, and has no self-esteem. She wears ill-fitting men’s clothing and mostly just kind of blankly stares at people a lot. She seems like the kind of girl I would have hung out with in the art room in high school. Too bad about the overbearing boyfriend bit.

I mean listen, I have a weakness for crappy entertainment, but the plodding sensible joylessness of the Twilight series is just too much. Perhaps it’s because of the books’ Mormon underpinnings — Joseph Smith was srs business, yo — but I want to pluck Bella out of her Pacific Northwest setting and send her down to Bon Temps (from True Blood) for a long weekend. Now there are some vampires who know how to have fun.

I am totally not watching New Moon a third time, I can tell you that much. Yeah!

PS: Speaking of True Blood, I have developed a fictional character crush on Jason Stackhouse, god help me. Poor Jason Stackhouse. He is so dumb. So very, very dumb.. but at least he knows how to have a good time.

PPS: I went to Vegas with a whole mess of friends and shot a SHOTGUN at a ZOMBIE and wore a shirt that said “I’m blogging this.” which I was, honestly, but I just haven’t sorted the post out in my brain yet and this Twilight rant begged to be written. I blame booze. In general.

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