So, okay, sometimes a company can come up with some “innovation” in their product, and I think it’s pretty silly. Like, say, yogurt in a tube. The only kind of tubes I like are the ones that are in a series and fueling the internet. For the public record, I categorically condemn all dairy tubes.

Anyway, enough about tubes, because that is not the point. The point is that 3D television is really stupid and is going to fail so the world should stop telling me to get one.

I devised this hypothesis in the same highly scientific manner that I use for many conclusions: shouting at lifestyle reporters on CNN. A few months ago at some consumer tech conference (CES in January, maybe?) every lifestyle editor in the world seemed to be telling us that 3D televisions are the FUTURE, and the FUTURE IS NOW.

Complaint the first: What are you going to watch on your 3D television? There are a few obvious things that could possibly be improved by 3D vision, in the abstract. Sports, perhaps, if you are a fan. Certain movies. Nature shows, certainly. But what about all the other pablum (and I say that with love)?

I occasionally watch episodes of Hell’s Kitchen, aka “Fox Network’s Fightin’ and Cookin’”. Do I need that in 3D? Oh hell no. Not even a little bit. Do I yearn for Jenny’s giant fake eyelashes to pop out of my screen on Gossip Girl? When Michael Kors reaches up to feel a designer’s fabric choice on Project Runway, do I want his icy, pampered fingers to creep into my home like Samara with a good manicure? I think not.

This brings us to complaint the second: those stupid glasses.

Why the HELL do the consumerism powers-that-be think that something that requires very expensive glasses to use will become commonplace? Here are some questions for ya, smart guys: Will the glasses fit over my prescription? Will I need extra glasses in case friends spontaneously come over to watch something, or will we be expected to carry around our own at all time? Will you replace said glasses when someone sits on them accidentally or my cats eat them?

I am reminded of 2001 when the dude who created the Segway announced that in the future cities would be built around the personal transportation devices. Now Sony is saying that in the future our entertainment areas will be built around dumb glasses. Uh huh. Suuuuure it will.

So in short, dear reader, Jessica does not recommend that you worry about upgrading to 3D technology at home. But hey, kids are still eating yogurt out of tubes so it’s been established that no one listens to me no matter how loudly I yell at the TV.
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Speaking of Segways, this fascinating Ask MeFi thread taught me that I’ve been pronouncing “segue” incorrectly my entire life. I’ve been mentally pronouncing it as “seegh”, and just kind of thinking that it must be the root word for “segway”. D’oh.
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Here’s the fake trailer from 2007 for the fake movie Machete, which has just been turned into a real movie with a real trailer. I love the addition of Arizona-flavored commentary, but how everything basically stayed the same. You guys, I’m all over this one.

The original Machete trailer was done by Robert Rodriguez for the intermission between Rodriguez’s and Tarantino’s efforts in Grindhouse. If you haven’t seen the movie(s), you still might enjoy the fake trailers, including Edgar Wright’s Don’t, Rob Zombie’s Werewolf Women of the SS, and Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving. The latter is my favorite fake trailer and by far my favorite thing that Roth has ever done (by a long shot).

(Note: Almost all of those trailers feature swearing, blood, and possibly boobs, so don’t watch them at work.)

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